Stepping out

They say a journey begins with a single step. The last ten years of my life has consisted of many intense journeys. Some have uplifted my soul while others have ripped through its very fabric. Recently the idea that I was turning 40 next year made me become introspective.  On the one hand I dont feel that old but on the other hand the calender says something different. Its a strange feeling to me that half my adult life has passed. I look back on various accomplishments namely getting my degree; the amazing places I have worked;becoming a wife and mom.  Mistakes have come with the success. I have hurt people I love and made bad decisions. In short I have been human. But I also realized that somewhere I lost myself. This may sound strange but as time has passed I have found I spend less time doing the things that make me who I am and more of what society and others expect of me. A recent illness which saw me in hospital was the wake up call I needed. Tomorrow wasn’t always guaranteed and did I xwant to start a new possibly exciting decade shackled to old habits. So I decided to do what I always do when I am trying to figure things out; I write them down. Sometimes things are funny; perhaps obnoxious but they who I am. A wonderful contradiction who can have an immaculate work desk but a clothing cupboard that looks like a war zone. I want to be more authentic; less afraid of the real me. Butterflys are perhaps a cliche symbol of rebirth. My writers brain prefers the imagine of phoenix; glorious and powerful. I use the word excited perhaps apprehensively. Questions like “Will I offend” or “Will I like what I find”; punctuate the bravado. But in the end I am willing to try and I hope so will you

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